Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Death Spiral of a Lazy Consumer

As I look around the unit I see a million different jobs that need doing; the floors need to be done, there are about half a dozen items from the Ikea spending spree on the weekend that need to be unpacked and I swear if I leave the pile of washing in the laundry any longer it will come alive like some creature and sneak out into the night, never to be seen again.

So as I contemplate the myriad of chores that should be completed from the lounge, I think to myself... "Nahhhhhhhh..... I'm too lazy" And herein lies the death spiral of a full time student who also works a full time job.

I'm a sucker for the current fitness craze and the ideal of the perfect body. To be honest I have two gym memberships running at the moment. The convenience of +Anytime Fitness because it's open 24/7! (Although I have never been outside of normal gym business hours) and some little local council run gym because it's not as far to walk as the other. But do you think I go.... NO! $120/month down the drain. Thank god I’m a young gay male with disposable income.

Although I've bought into the world of 'Getting Fit' and 'Toning Up' - the reality is that I work 9-5 Monday - Friday, and when I’m not at work, I'm trying to fit 40+ hours of study in per week. I know I know.... there are more hours than that in a week - but you give it a go and see how you fair.

Almost 80 hours of my life per week is spent with my ass glued to an office chair staring at 2 computer screens (the remainder is spread like a cheese platter over the lounge or counting sheep in the comfort of the king size bed)
…cue light bulb moment… *BING*


The human body wasn’t designed to sit around all day and do nothing. I’m intelligent enough to know that sitting around all day without any physical activity will ultimately lead me to having no energy… the solution… MORE PHYSICAL ACTIVITY!!!!!

I get up from the lounge, get a glass of water, and stare out the window thinking to myself “Tomorrow… not today… tomorrow I will start”, and so the cycle of lazy continues, the wideness of my ass expands, and the list of chores continue to pile up.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

The Battle of the Fat


Yep - that's right! Those two words that are constantly thrown in our faces by the media in every form they can possibly think of. If I wasn't mistaken, the way they carry on about the subject of diet and obesity, you would think that we had all grown so fat that we have lost use of our legs and just roll down the street.

I don't know about you, but I think here in Australia it's not as bad as they sensationalise. (I'm not denying that it's a problem and has health risks) You look down to the beaches or out the country and most people seem to be lean and fit and healthy. We have access to good fresh food, and although we may splurge on the odd round of Macca's or HJ's - it's not a substitute for a good home cooked meal.

Now I'm not trying to poke any sticks here - and Aussie's have their dietary faults too (mainly the massive consumption of Alcohol - he says with a beer on his desk typing away), but America! You don't lead by good example of the Fat Fighters International Branch!

I recently got sent an e-mail which highlighted the... how shall we put this LARGE and OVER THE TOP nature of our Freedom Loving Neighbours across the pacific.

Running late for work? Don't have time for breakfast at home? Just grab some of Bob Evan's Sausage Gravy!! As Bob says... "Start your day Right!"

Ever been in that situation at the local show/fair where you can't what food you want? Do you just want chips? Or do you want a Dagwood Dog? How about BOTH! I shall call it - the "Chipwoodog" Dagwood Dog encased in lovely deep fried fries!

You get home from the Fair and the Chipwoodog just hasn't satisfied your cravings for Dagwood dogs? Well how about you spice up your homemade pizza night and make a Corn Dog Pizza!

 Ever had those 3pm munchies in the office and the vending machines have nothing good on offer? Introducing - the Pizza Vending Machine. (Personally I think they would make a fortune)

You've had a late day at the office and the kids want you to cook a roast! You forgot to pick one up at the shops so you look in the pantry and find... Chicken in a Can!

And last - but definitely not least - I have discovered our friends have a fascination with Bacon. God Bless Bacon - we all love it. I know I couldn't live without it. I would marry bacon if I could! But I would never take it this far!

Introducing: The Bacon Donut


 Not enough for your? How about smother it with some Baconnaise!

 If that's not enough - let's have a dinner party. I'm cooking my famous Turbaconucke! A chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, all wrapped in bacon.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012


I came across this sign in the spare bathroom at the in-laws over the weekend. I found it very appropriate seen as I am the only smoker left in the house anymore.

I may just have to print off a few and stick them in the toilets at work. 462WNR7MHTNE

Comedy Commentating

With the London 2012 now a memory in the past and the Paralympics under way, lets take a quick look at those comments commentators wished they could take back!

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .
Oh my God, what have I just said?"

 Always remember to think before opening your mouth kids! – Actually no – scrap that, I wouldn’t have anything to write about!

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Buried Alive... With an Itch

We all have fears and questions about that one inevitable thing in life - Death!

How is it going to strike us? What will it be like? And definitely a very morbid topic for me to approach in my second attempt to blog to the world (but you’re just going to have to suffer through this).

So one way to go, which is commonly bought up in shows like CSI, or even made into Hollywood… ah hum…  “Blockbusters” is being buried alive. Personally I think it would be a pretty terrible but boring way out of this life, I mean, at least make it exciting and be one of those old guys who die from a heart attack in the middle of sex. At least you go out doing someone you love and enjoy, and ironically the way you came into the world. But anyway… back to the point of this.

So I cannot recall how exactly this all came up with Dr. Dave (most likely because I have developed selective hearing and ignored the noises that were coming out of his mouth) – but when I did start to take notice of what he was saying, I came to;

“The worst bit about being buried alive would be if you got an itch. Like itchy balls.”

WHAT!? Coming from the mindless land of watching TV to intercepting this sentence… I’m afraid to say my brain broke a little. The internal dialog of my mind started screaming: Why would you care about an Itch? Wouldn’t you be afraid of dying? What about getting out of the coffin? YOUR GOING TO DIE!!!!

I know if I was caught buried alive in a coffin I would be more concerned about the potential few minutes of oxygen I had remaining (don’t quote me on that), and if I could, I would Uma Thurman my way out of that shit - Kill Bill style. I’m pride myself on being a home trained Ninja!

N.B. If you do not know what I am referring too… please do me a favour a watch Kill Bill, preferable both volumes, but at least volume 2. Or here is the lazy version [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZpw8NgL_2M ]

So after the universe has just exploded in my mind Dr. Dave furthers his views:
“I mean if you couldn’t reach your itchy balls, you would just go insane! I think that is worse torture then being a dark coffin buried under dirt.”

In saying this, I believe he does have a point – one that only possibly men would understand. Ball Itch! (Sorry ladies, please feel free to rectify me if there are similar issues – mosquito bites do not count) It irks me to think of being stuck in a situation where you just can’t reach to satisfy that itch! We’ve all been there – those moments in public where you just need to find a private spot for 5 seconds just to scratch! But still to this day I think, does Dr. Dave have a self preservation mechanism? Ball Itch!! What is wrong here! I can understand in a public space – but you’re in a coffin! Life first Dr. Dave - LIFE FIRST!!!!


Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Welcome One... Welcome All... I think?

Well here we are!

I've always been a person to come with crazy schemes with my best mate - who shall be referred to a 'G-Man' - about how we can travel the world for free, become rich or just try to have some kind of social relevance in today’s online world (I mean isn't that what we all dream of - our 15 minutes of fame?)

So I have finally bitten the bullet, and although it's not one of my best ideas for a blog (like 'The Critical Guide to everything in Wollongong' and 'the introverts exploration of the extroverted world of the gays'), I had a light bulb moment of something that I find amusing... the stupid things that people say! In particular... in this case I'll attempt to follow the ever so strange comments of my partner who we shall call Dr. Dave.

We all have those moments in life (even those who claim to be highly intelligent... like me), when we wished we have had stopped for 2 seconds and thought about what we were saying before we opened our mouths. Most of the time, the end result is what gives us the best laughs we have in life, those silly moments of err that you can't help but to sit back and laugh at.

Or even those moments, when someone makes a statement and all you can do is raise an eyebrow at them wondering "where, why and how did that person come up with that/why would they say that?"

We are all victim to a slip of the mouth, it was only the other night while Dr. Dave was slow cooking some lamb shanks that I myself turned around and in a bust of amazement said...

"Wow... Those are big shanks... It must have been a big cow!"

And yes... I have not lived that down as of yet (I do know that lamb shanks come from a LAMB). I am currently the butt of a sting of jokes about learning the difference between your farm animals in primary school! (I can't have done too badly at school for someone with a 'comfy' office job and currently doing a dual university degree)

So ladies and gents, if you ever come across this page, know you know what it's about. Follow me on my endeavour to highlight those little quirks in expression and language that makes us laugh, smile, and think that some people are just idiots!

Welcome to Shit My Boyfriend Says.